Today was extremely tiring first I had practice at 8 in the morning and we ran 10 mfcking miles. HELLA INTENSE, I better have lost weight I swear! After the run I went to sac to get myself a hair cut. It was okay, I wish my hair would grow faster though! After that I stopped by some places like walmart etc for last minute things. AND finally I went to Theresa’s party. The party was aiiiight. I’m proud of myself though I didn’t smoke yaay! (= I have changed remember? I’m a better person. But yeah I danced but mainly with myself I didn’t feel comfortable dancing with anyone at that party for some reason. I had hella shit on my mind too -_- fml! But yeah me and my niggas hella dipped at 11 and went to another party. It was a fucking STD up in that bitch. I was so tempted but I stopped myself. ANYWAAAYS, i’m hella tired and still thinking. I’m going to cut my blog short because I’m making some pho before I sleep yee(=
Today was another successful day. I felt so much comfort today and I really liked it. When I was getting holy spirit baptized I felt the comfort I needed. The people that were praying for me felt the pain I had and the insecurities and they washed it all away. I’ve been so lost for the past 4-5 months and the servers knew that too, so they hugged me. They reassured me that I am not alone, that god’s with me. When I first came up to the people that were suppose to baptize me or whatever, they told me to close my eyes. When I did I felt so weak in my knees that I was trembling. I feel that the reason why I was weary was because God knows I’ve been weak and that I have the potential to let him in my life and fix all my problems. Although I didn’t feel any power or force in me when I was getting baptized like everyone else did, I felt so reassured and loved. And after everything brother b came up to me and told me something that made me want to cry. Even though I only fully met him on saturday it feels like I can trust him with everything. He is truly like a big brother to me and I love him a lot. He knew ME when I didn’t even tell him anything about myself. He knows what I’ve went through when I didn’t tell him my life story. He’s like my undercover stalker ahha. But what he told me was to let god in and to let go of what is bothering me and giving me so much pain. He told me to let go of insecurities because I am a miracle. You can catch me at bible studies every fridays @ 7(= btw check check check it out!
I pray that you give me the strength to move forward in life. You are helping me through rough times right now and I appreicate it. I am following what you have planned for me and what I’ll be doing in life. I won’t let him bring me down or make me cry anymore because you’ll be right here by my side helping me get through this and help me move on. I don’t blame you for making me go through all this pain and all this suffering because it doesn’t amount to the pain and suffering you’ve been through. You gave up your son to keep US alive. And now I must move on because that’s what you’re telling me to do. I’m a miracle and the only love I need is from God right now because like I said man’s love is artificial. You are pushing me to forget about the past and not try to hold onto it anymore. You want me to let go of him, and let go of everything of him because he isn’t suppose to be in my heart God is. I pray you will help me strive and what not to get me over this boy because your plan did not say that he was going to be in it with me. God, please help me.
Today is the start of a new me. Going to that retreat really changed me. It was such a life changing experience that really gives me that incentative to let God into my life. Today I let go of everything that gave me pain, suffering, and problems. And I put all of that to God’s feet. I realized that I am not alone, I have God here with me to help me through life. I am not facing my problems alone and I’m not the only one that feels lost. I met a lot of new people today and hearing what they had to say made me feel like I’m not the only one lost in this world. Through out this retreat I wanted to break down in tears but I couldn’t because I’m still not comfortable to cry in front of people, especially ones I don’t know. But it was so hard keeping all the emotions bottled inside of me. I just wanted to pour myself out there, but I did tear when the helper people asked if anyone ever felt unworthy to the point they just wanted to kill themselves. They told us to close our eyes and raise our hands if we ever felt this way and I rose my hand, then they told us to stand up and I stood up, they told us to go up to the front and I went to the front. When I opened my eyes to see who was standing with me, I saw a bunch of people. And thats when I didn’t feel so alone anymore and I teared because I couldn’t hold in any of my emotions anymore. The helpers were telling us that we ARE worthy and a miracle, and that we shouldn’t want to kill ourselves over little obstacles in our lifes. That retreat really meant a lot. It makes me want to change and get to know my faith more. God is the only person who will ever love me unconditionally because man’s love is artificial. Man’s love will never be reliable, but God’s love is. BML. (Bless my life) I am a new person and I will not let anyone bring me down anymore. It’s a start of a new chapter in my life.
Okay, I’m going to be a better person. Tomorrow I’m going to a church retreat thaang I’m so juiced! I’m going to better my faith and open up to god. I really want to stop being bad. WOOOT! And shopping in sf for black friday? OH SHIT! I’m finna have like 500+ dollars ayee! PLUS PLUS PLUS! I can’t wait until my birthday. I’m getting a new Iphone AND a CAR! YES! Finally something good is happening. I want a two seater for me and my future booo thaang! I HATE GIVING PEOPLE RIDES I SWEAR. Unless they were my niggas. But two seater insurance are so expensive =. But yeah you’ll be seeing me riding my sports car one day. JK but idek what car i’ll get I need a boy to come with me to pick out my car. Cos boys know all that technical typa shit. WHOOOOT LETS START THE NEW YEAR GOOD(=
it’s funny how you thought I was trying to get at your ex boyfriend. Oh hell no girl please. I would never. And you’re saying how you shouldn’t even worry because I’m just a sophomore? HAH BITCH! Thats why you were crying right after because you found out he was trying to get at ME. Yeah, he was trying to get at a sophomore. You’re so good at picking guys. HAH, bitch you make me laugh.
Can you look in front of you for once? I’m right here! I’ve been here all along but you just can’t see it. I’m basically right under your nose.. I don’t want to say anything because I’m afraid of what you’ll say. And plus you don’t even notice me agh. I’ll just keep my mouth shut because I don’t want to ruin what we don’t have.
So she’s the girl with her middle finger in the air; because for the first time; she just doesn’t care. Tough times do not last, but tough people do. Fuck your past - don’t let it fuck you. No room for sadness or regrets, the past is gone
It was alright overall. Just the ending kilt everything. I was just standing there most of the night trying to recover and not do anything stupid. I didn’t want it to be another recap of Halloween so I just did nothing. I AM SO STUPID! But the thing is I am proud of myself. Cos I wasn’t doing anything stupid but i was stupid if that makes sense. OH and I can’t believe HE was there. Didn’t even say hi! Mmmm whatever, he can do as he likes. No elaborate details about that cos I know he reads my blogs and I don’t want him to…. nvm! kdone with this blog oh and btw im going to die! i am overdosing myself with advil.
"Believe me when I say you changed me for the better. From now on I look at love differently. I will no longer throw the word around and I will no longer fall for it so easily. I will be careful with my heart so it doesn’t break again, for if it does it may never come back. I thank you for making me realize I have my own two feet I can stand on, and I don’t need a man to make me proud of myself. I know you thought i would not take this well and crawl back to you the second I got a chance, but i’m stronger. And this is my new challenge and I wll defeat it. Thanks for helping me realize I’m strong on my own."
Me:I dont think anyone would care if i died. its like would anyone go to my funeral? would they even cry? and did i even make a impact on their lives?
Bestfriend:I would cry plenty of times and go to your funeral cause I really do care. If you died who would I kick it with most the time? You're like the only person I been kicking it with a lot and if you died nobody would be there for me. It's great having to answer and solve your problems. I can open up to you and you'll know what to do. My other bestfriend isn't even like you and she's even a goodie good girl and sometimes that's just not even someone to go to at times. You're a great person though. I'm always here for you. Even if we aren't close later on. Just hit me up.
Why do I have to cry about him! Last night before I went to sleep I was just crying, crying about how I don’t have Mikko in my life anymore. WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THAT?! I thought he told me to move on? I thought I was trying to… but shit I still am crying over him? UGHHH, and the worst part is I still wanna be with him =|. And I remembered something.. I remembered he promised that he would come through on Halloween but he didn’t. I was hella thinking that he would just pop up randomly and surprise me but he didn’t even stop by, I really wish he would have tho. I really really miss him =\. I hate my life. I feel like dying. I wonder if anyone would come to my funeral and cry? I wonder if I put any impact on anyone’s lives? Hmph. I feel emo. Whatever I don’t wanna go to school today I don’t want to put up with the bullshit.
No more partys for me. I SWEAR -_-. HELLA went down on Halloween. Whatever tho, I’m tired of partying. When I went to church they were talking about one day of partying will make u happy BUT only for one day. So true. I have learned my lesson and I’m done with partying and drinking. aghh =| fml. I cant believe it..